The three weeks of Prayer in the Plaza proved to be fruitful and defining for me. I cannot measure the impact of God’s work amongst our first responders, patients, and families but I can testify that keeping an appointment has this great benefit – God shows up. He speaks and impassions when our hearts seek to align with His.
At the same time, several of us embarked on an End Times Bible Study, posted once a day through Frontier Alliance International*. This 14 lesson Bible Study is enthralling, opening up and igniting once-familiar prophetic scriptures. Fruitful prayer time and Bible study churned my heart even more than before. My husband and I both agreed – we want to be in the flow of God’s work, we want to fulfill all His call and service appointed to us – we so want our lives to count for the Lord in these end days.
Spiritually invigorated, I prepared for a fast to go further in devotion and hear from the Lord. To what might He call me? To serve here in NYC, perhaps utilizing social work credentials to counsel or maybe the Lord would call us away. I knew He would lead as I drew near…so sure and with such anticipation I began my fast, but it quickly seemed obliterated…
Before leaving for work, Bob unwittingly disclosed something that ignited a past deep marital wound. My emotions erupted into an argument which continued fuming after he left, even moreso when I blamed him for ruining my peaceful quest to search God’s will. How could I seek the Lord when I’m so angry?
I immediately recalled a comment that I had just posted on David Ettinger’s site (EttingerWriting.com) basically stating that God uses crisis and personal calamity to expose what is in us that we might rout it out to move forward in service. This truth strongly pressed upon me, undeniably revealing a fleshly wound and sin that must be surrendered.
At first I thought I could ignore the fuming of my heart and open the word of God. Not possible. If you’re truly seeking God, He will mercifully corner you with what He wants to say. I could not escape compelling verses calling believers to ‘obey’ the word of God, wives ‘respect’ their husbands, ‘submit’…there was no way to move forward without hashing this out. The ‘argument’ was not ruining my fast, it was actually God’s response to my heartcry to serve.
When our heart is at ‘X’ but God commands ‘Y’ we can only pray for the Lord to change our heart, superficial formulas do not work. (Although I did google ‘How to Respect Your Husband When He’s a Jerk’ which was a bit helpful). I had to admit though, I fail at having, “…the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” If God greatly values “gentle and quiet”, He must loath to see angry and argumentative!
So, my fasting began yesterday with a repentive cry for God to change my heart, heal my heart, and enable me to obey. Although not perfect, by the time Bob returned home, my heart had softened toward kindness and respect.
Prayer in the Plaza and invigorating Bible studies stirred my heart with a greater longing and passion to know God’s will and serve Him. Instead, a dust-up revealed flaws of my heart, a pothole I could not but go through.
But going through, I’m pressing on – trusting in our Forerunner with Whom we will not fail!
*Frontier Alliance International – for End of Age Bible Study: First download Frontier Alliance International App, then Go to Maranatha tab, then Global Bible Study then End of Age (white horse icon), click on Main Sessions.